A-Rod Gives Up

Alex Rodriguez is widely considered to be the best all-around player in Major League Baseball. Breaking into the league at age 18, he is the youngest player ever to hit 500 homeruns. The $275 million third baseman of the New York Yankees was recently diagnosed with a torn labrum. He was promptly placed on the disabled list and was unable to participate in Yankees Opening Day festivities, and for the foreseeable future.

Lately, Rodriguez just isn't feeling it. He has been away from the baseball field for too long, the only place he has ever found joy. He has become a broken man. Sadly floating through life in quiet desperation. He has essentially given up on professional baseball. Content to subsist on 99c McChicken Sandwichs and Go-Gurt, the recently divorced slugger now has hours upon hours to fill. To deal with the interminable boredom, he has recently taken up Nintendo's "Mario Super Sluggers" and Pokemon Cards. A visually distraught Rodriguez was recently reached for comment about his current living situation, outside of a local White Castle.

"... I mean, I don't believe that anyone is missing me. Doug Bernier (Yankees AAA second baseman) flipped me off in Spring Training... Who the hell is that?"

He doesn't seem to have his usual whimsy, and his barely passable knowledge of the English language is almost lost in the malaise of his lazily chosen words.

"The enormousness of my situation does not escape me. Is my legacy of the Yankees at stake? Of course. But I am vastly grateful for the support of my fans, and I can only hope that they will be following me in my new undertakings. I have started a Fantasy Baseball team at my local library, and I got Jose Reyes in the 1st round. Everythings comin' up A-Rod!"