Pie Vs Pie

Check Out Mookie Mantle's Extra Innings!

Chasing Perfection

With an inevitable postseason berth, sub-.500 teams remaining on the schedule, and September callups, everyday Yankee players have a lot of free time on their hands. This has enabled the organization to make some highly-dangerous and downright-controversial changes to their team.

Drastic surgeries that would typically result in long periods of recovery have been encouraged and financed by principal Yankee owner and disembodied-brain George M. Steinbrenner. Many complaints from the fans and media that had regularly fallen on deaf ears have been rectified recently, resulting in increased efficiency and productivity in Yankee veterans.

Catcher Jorge Posada recently underwent an invasive neck-reduction procedure, which has increased nerve responsiveness. Original figures from the newly founded Yankees' Department of Player Performance had Posada's reaction time measured at 2.7 Gehrigs, (12.8 seconds) meaning that even the slightest movement from the veteran backstop required 12.8 seconds of critical thought.

Unqualified Yankee experts inferred that Posada's Ostrich-like neck was to blame. So, without agreement from the 13 year-veteran, Yankee SWAT abducted him under the cover of night and performed the intensive surgery, mere hours after a victory over the Red Sox, with his recovery slated for useless series with Toronto and Seattle. He has yet to regain conciousness, and the outlook isnt good.

But Jorge isn't the only one recieving horrifying manipulations. Throughout the organization, drastic measures and God-sickening modifications are abound. 1B Mark Texiera is currently undergoing Brain-surgery. Alex Rodriguez is scheduled for a Heart transplant. And Yankee GM Brian Cashman is expected to recieve Courage later this week.

Heavily-medicated Yankee manager Joe Girardi doesnt see anything wrong with the organization flexing their muscle and checkbook:

"Well, you know. I think that going into the playoffs, its time for us to 'put all our ducks in a row' as it were, and kind of prepare the necessary preparations. I mean, we're looking to improve the team anyway we can, whether it involves our highly illegal gene-splicing with Brett Gardner and a Cheetah, or teaching Nick Swisher how to read. And I know CC is the envy of the team now, and he says he hasnt felt any ill-effects from Gastric-Bypass Surgery."Girardi: "We've taken to calling him 'Counting Calories Sabathia', ahuhuhuhuh."

In sharp contrast to the Yankees' spending power, the Tampa Bay Rays players recently pooled together to buy Manager Joe Maddon a box of 'Just For Men'.

"New" Joba Rules

After an unsuccessful foray into gay coffee distribution, Joba Chamberlain has returned to the Yankees this season and proven 2 things:

1.) One day he might be a dominant starter

2.) He is absolute garbage on more or less than 4 days rest

Lacking a better method of keeping Joba's inning count for this season at a reasonable level, the Yankee brass have come up with a radical new solution. Chamberlain will remain in the starting rotation, but with a slight twist:

He will be allowed 1 pitch per appearance.

Yankee Manager and recovering angerholic Joe Girardi weighed in on the organization's decision: "Well, you know, he gives us a lot of flexibility. The Job-man can work out of A jam, intimidate A tough hitter, and start An intentional walk. I think he's really going to be big for us down the stretch... Oh, he's gonna be starting? That's just stupid..."

Chamberlain himself found nothing wrong with the new plan: "Yeah, doesn't really bother me none. I'm still going out there to try and help the team win. Its still 60'6". Take one game at a time. That's baseball..."

(Joba tips his cap on the way to the dugout Sunday, after giving up a homerun in the first inning)

David Ortiz: "I still investigating why I positive"

Weeks after the announcement of his positive test results in an '03 steroid investigation, David "Big Papi" Ortiz is not letting the fans and media forget about it. Disregarding all suggestions from his agent and mother about "just letting it go", Papi is determined to clear his name. Even going so far as to call an emergency press-conference at Yankee Stadium this past week. Amid the boos of Yankee fans and MLB officials, Ortiz spoke into the mic with conviction:

"I always say that I am honest man and player. And when people say: 'Oh he took the steroids', it make me sad. It make me call up Manny and cry on answering machine. I conducting my own investigation of MLB, and why they lie about me. I buy magnifying glass the other day from $1 store and, God-willing, the full-scale investigation begins tomorrow. I still trying to figure out why they say I am positive... I put only the best of things in my body..."

He paused to compose himself, and took a sip from his Monster Energy BFC

"I know my job here with Red Sox, I hit the homeruns, I sign the baseballs, I clean the seats after games. I do the same things everybody else do. Its a lie when the people say that I take the steroids, sure Manny and I inject things in the buttocks many times when he with the team. But we read the needles. It say things like: "testosterone, primobolan, horse tranquilizer", these not the steroids!"

Papi's legal advisor quickly leaned into his ear, whispered something, shook his head, whispered again, grabbed his briefcase and ran out of the press room as fast as he could.

ESPN Says Something Mildly Positive About The New York Yankees

Television viewers were treated to a sight rarer than a perfect game Monday, if they were watching ESPN at 1:23 am. On a Baseball Tonight update, ancient Red Sox reporter Peter Gammons actually said something that could be construed as a compliment toward the New York Yankees.

Typically, the geniuses at ESPN affectionately refer to the Red Sox as: "The Nation" whenever they frequently dissect Sox highlights. Forty minutes of the hour-long program are usually spent talking about how cool Kevin Youkilis' beard is, why J.D. Drew is the greatest hitter of all-time, and how it would be awesome to be friends with Jonathan Papelbon.

Of late, (originating sometime around 2004) the "Sawks" have recieved nothing but support from those at the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. Even long-time Yankee reporter and respected baseball mind Buster Olney was recently spotted walking into ESPN headquarters wearing a "Mrs. Pedroia" T-shirt.

For these reasons, and many more, the most successful franchise in the history of sports (The Yankees) have been delegated to the depressing territory of box score ticker space: the bottom of the screen, usually reserved for the Kansas City Royals and Pirates' trade news.

So when Gammons "misspoke", shocked insomniacs and startled night security guards fell out of their chairs. The shriveled beat-writer actually made a reasonable inference about how well the Bombers have done this season. Red Sox faithful in and around "The Nation" (Only New England) immediately called for Gammon's resignation and a heartfelt apology.

The original comments that started the uproar:

"Well, those fantastic and handsome Red Sox will be heading to Yankee Stadium later this month to play those idiots over there.

Those Crimson Champions of the Common Man, those Scarlet Sultans of Success, will be going up against a pretty good ball club.... Wait... Hold on a second, I didn't mean that. You guys know I didn't mean that! Something's wrong with the teleprompter... Don't you give me that look, John Kruk!"

Pirates Trade Mascot

July 30th, 2009 - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - With less than 12 hours until the trade deadline Pittsburgh Pirates GM Neal Huntington finalized a deal that will send fan favorite mascot 'Pirate Parrot' to the Dodgers for a ball boy to be named later.

Pittsburgh fans were shocked by this announcement. Within this past year the Pirates have already traded away Xavier Nady, Jason Bay, Nate McClouth, Nyjer Morgan, Adam LaRoche, Freddie Sanchez, Jack Wilson, Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny and are currently shopping Andy LaRoche on Craigslist.

Pittsburgh journalists had speculated the Pirates would be shopping Pirate Parrot, with Captain Jolly Roger recently being called up from the Pirate's triple A affiliate.

GM Neal Huntington had this to say to his harshest critics. "Everyone in this organization loved Pirate Parrot and would never overlook his contributions to this proud franchise. But Baseball is a living organism and you have to plan for the future. Listen, Pirate (Parrot) is on the other side of 30 and you can tell he has lost a step or two. When we would score a run, he used to be the first one off the top of the dugout doing a celebratory jig or dramatically rubbing his eyes in disbelief... he always got me with that one.

Plus these wandering Steeler fans overlook what we stand to gain. There were plenty of organizations out there that showed heavy interest, but the Dodgers just seemed to be the best fit.

Smitty Randolph, volunteer batboy and 3rd cousin of current Brewers bench coach and disgraced Mets manager, Willie Randolph, has a keen eye and a delightful scamper.

We're also looking at Chip Chimendez, Dodger's left field ball boy who is prompt and cleanly. Now that the trade is on the books, there isn't a definite time table on this so we're keeping our options open.

The Dodger's skipper Joe Torre did not seem as enthusiastic about the trade. "How the hell does a parrot that is also a pirate have anything to do with the Dodgers organization... the city of Los Angeles or the game of baseball in general. I've heard talk that they're gonna put a cheap Manny wig on it, God help us.

Still, is getting anything for Willie's touched in the head nephew a good deal? No Question."

Love it or hate it the trade will become official Friday morning, pending a physical.

Excited at the prospect of having a new ball boy at PNC park shagging fouls, rumors have already surfaced that Huntington has been in talks with the Detroit Tigers about a deal that would move C Ryan Doumit for a used stool.

J.P. Ricciardi Intentionally Injures Roy Halladay

"There. Now No One Can Have Him..."

Rickey Henderson Elected to Hall of Fame

"It is an honor for me, Rickey Henderson, to be here today with people that I consider to be just slightly less as great as me. Rickey is like the Muhammad Ali of Baseball, but with more fistfighting. I almost played the game the way it was meant to be played. I jumped around to many teams in my career, but only because they couldn't handle my awesomeness. The Athletics have a dumb name, the Yankees are lame, the Mets are worse, and the Blue Jays are Canadian. And so I have asked the Baseball Writers of America to enter me into the Hall on a team of Rickey's own creation: 'The Henderson Coolguys"

Henderson punctuated this by revealing a crudely made jersey that he had obviously made in the car on the way to Cooperstown.

"I have been called: 'The Man of Steal', 'Slick Rick', and 'That Guy Who Steals Bases... You Know That Guy That Was On The A's And Then The Yankees... No I'm Not Talking About Jason Giambi... That Guy Was Slow As Hell... Yeah Rickey Something'. Rickey is pleased by these names. However, I like to sometimes believe that I am more than a baseball player. Yes, Rickey stole many bases in his career, and he also scored many runs. But I played the game with the enthusiasm of a child and the identity complex of an escaped mental patient. I only hit homeruns because I chose to, and Rickey only made outs when he didn't feel like getting a hit. Rickey is an accomplished poet, architect, historian, used-car-dealer, magician, and artist. To help illustrate how blessed and incredible I feel right now, I would like to share with you an artistic representation of my career that I scribbled on a napkin earlier, during Jim Rice's speech":

Burnett Enjoying Life On The Outside

The Yankees didn't exactly get a bargain when they signed free agent hurler A.J. Burnett this offseason. But the $82.5 million-dollar-man has done an exemplary job as arguably the Yankees most consistent starter this season. It was not always this way however. Luckily, Burnett's checkered past has yet to catch up to his tenure with the Yankees, but how long until the demons he has hidden away with tattoos and liquor emerge?

Burnett signed with the Mets at age 18, bringing with him a blistering triple-digit fastball and a penchant for fast cars and faster women. While toiling in the minors, an aging Dwight Gooden introduced him to the positive effects of experimental drugs. He began to pitch moderately well, far beyond the constraints of a natural human being. It would typically take him 200 or so pitches for an average outing of 2 2/3's of an inning.

On a road trip with the Binghampton Mets in 1996, the team bus broke down on the way to face the South Central LA Grillz, AJ got seperated from the team, and was later found drinking heavily and recording with Tupac Shakur.

In addition to going triple platinum with "AJ on the AK", his playing career began to blosssom, and he soon found himself with a big league club, pitching for the Marlins in Miami. The temptations of the Sunshine state began to affect his performance however, and after multiple arrests for various charges, he faked elbow surgery to begin serving time in the Miami-Dade County correctional facility. It was here that he became one of the most reliable shank-makers on the Eastern seaboard. He eventually converted to Islam, which created a brief period of peace in his life... which was immediately shattered when Burnett allegedly strangled his cellmate for allegedly: "Hatin' ".

Facing deathrow and an angry hispanic prison population, AJ escaped under the cover of night, using only a baseball cleat, and the will to live. He began a hurried journey to cross America's northern border to sign with the Blue Jays. It was here that Burnett began the normal life that, surprisingly, has been maintained thanks in part to his relationship with Toronto ace Roy Halladay. Under his tutelage, AJ expanded his baseball and shank-making skills.

His time in New York has just begun, and his legacy with the Yankees has yet to be established. His volatile nature however, is already firmly intact. He has also brought along an inflammatory tradition that gained infamy during his time in a Jays uniform. Every walkoff win has been punctuated with a shaving cream pie to the face, resulting in numerous broken noses and hurt feelings.

Joe Mauer: "Please Look At Me"

"Look, I love playing here in Minnesota. It's my hometown, and I've made a ton of friends wearing this uniform. But man sometimes it can be a little discouraging, you know, playing in a small market. I stole home the other day... Me! A catcher!... And it didn't even make ESPN 2."

We sat down with Joe Mauer (who was not Jose Molina, as the Concierge at the Minneapolis Hilton had originally led us to believe) and after pocketing a handful of complimentary breathmints and shrugging, "Still workin' out the contract extension," he sat and discussed some of the things that really grind his gears.

As of July 10th, the Twins All-Star catcher is leading the league with a .389 batting average and has already set a new career high in homeruns with 15, before the All-Star break. He is already a 2-time batting champion, and a Gold Glove winner. The Metrodome routinely draws few fans, but Joe makes sure to sign all 3 of their baseballs.

"I don't want to rock the boat. It just seems like sometimes, you know, guys in New York and LA get a little more exposure. MLB Network played about 4 minutes of Melky Cabrera pickin' his nose in the outfield the other day, and that was the day I hit 2 grand slams!" There was a slight pause, but thankfully the awkward silence was interrupted with a knock at the door, and fellow All-Star and teammate Justin Morneau peeked his head in.

"I had heard there was reporters or something?"

Derek Jeter Answers Post-Game Question

WFAN reporter Sweeny Murti never expects much when he routinely visits Yankees Captain Derek Jeter's locker after almost every Yankees game. Whether the team wins or loses, Jeter is always there to return every reporter's question back at them in a cool way. His responses are usually punctuated with a full smile, something mildly inspiring but familiar, and the term "That's Baseball." The assembled media can't seem to get upset about it. Most of them are just happy the future Hall of Fame Shortstop even responds to them.

But for the first time in recent memory, a lazy question half delivered in jest by The Fan's Yankees beat reporter was actually greeted with a legitimate response. Murti immediately pressed the button on his dusty tape recorder, and looked on in wonderment. When asked if the Yankees recent sweep at the hands of the Red Sox had any playoff implications, Jeter did not laugh and say "It's June, I dont worry about that," and he didn't high five a half-naked Nick Swisher walking by in the locker room and say "No, I dont think so. Dont worry about it. I'm not worried about it."

What Jeter actually uttered could be considered a rational thought with meaning and purpose:

"The Red Sox are a great team and we have not played anywhere near the level that they have for the last 3 years. Cashman continues to make awful trades and back prospects that obviously suck. Ownership has no idea whats going on, and at any given time I am prepared to hear that George Steinbrenner has been dead for some time, but until his two scheming sons get his Will right, they won't reveal it. Alex is a roided up tool. Damon forgot how to catch a baseball, and I haven't understood one word Robinson Cano has ever said to me."

When it was over, the reporters looked at one another in stunned silence. Jeter blinked a couple times, then turned to his locker.

Frustrated LaRussa Pinch-Hits With Self

Cardinals manager and living legend Tony LaRussa recently watched his National League Central leading Cardinals drop 3 of 4 to the lowly New York Mets. Frustrated at a lack of offense, and the lack of hustle from some of his star players, LaRussa picked up a bat and ran himself out in the 6th inning Thursday.

Always an innovator, LaRussa has recieved mixed reviews when it comes to some of his more interesting managerial decisions. The Redbird's skipper routinely bats his pitcher 8th to provide more baserunners at the top of the order. He has been known to use starting pitchers as pinch runners. He has handmade elaborate costumes and disguises to allow Cardinal's All Star Albert Pujols to bat multiple times in an inning.

He is 3rd all-time in managerial Wins, which makes it hard to argue with someone with such a track record of success. If some of his out of the ordinary methods produce victories, little can be said other than congratulations. In fact, Thursday can be no exception because he managed to drop down a bunt-single before the umpires realized he was an ineligible player, scolded him and ejected him from the game, and had security escort him from the field.

"Tony... Should we call someone?" -Cardinals GM

Wright & Wroñg

It started as a way to generate interest for the Mets and quell boredom for the two Superstars. It has become the most highly anticipated My9 show since King of Queens reruns. David Wright is showing off his acting range as his own original character, "Dave White". With Jose Reyes as Jose Reyes. They are two college roommates with a wacky cast of colorful co-eds. They share a passion for baseball, deep-dish pizza... And Life.

"Dave White" is a straightlaced Georgia Tech sophomore with a baseball scholarship, a heart of gold, and a unibrow that makes Italian 40-somethings swoon.

Reyes is the hotheaded but lovable Dominican with a devilish grin and fiery latino passion. His unrelenting speed is matched only by his love of the ladies and skateboarding. Also he's the drummer in GT's hottest band on campus: "The Double Plays".

In the first episode "Dave" has to finish his term paper by the next day or he wont be allowed to attend the Harvest Dance. But Jose calls up his amigos, and hijinks ensue!

They already have some hilarious guest appearances planned :

Mets Manager Jerry Manuel as their nosey RA.

Darryl Strawberry as the lovable stoner.

Keith Hernandez as a knowledgeable drifter who Dave finds out never really existed at the end of the episode, but finds a mustache comb on his nighttable, and looks up at the sky thoughtfully.

The Mets and My9 are hoping to break into the competitive world of buddy sitcoms. Hopefully this most recent foray into comedy will be more successful than their previous project, now in it's third season...

Randy Johnson Loses 300th Game

"Well, it was a long time coming..." the 6'10" veteran said after the game, "I have been in this league for so long, sometimes you lose sight of the important things in life. Pushing cameramen, sending people to the hospital at All-Star games, and just treating everyone like absolute garbage 24/7." Giants lefty Randy Johnson went 2/3's of an inning Thursday allowing 10 runs on 6 hits and 7 walks. His San Francisco Giants went on to lose the game 18-2. A typical start for the "giant" southpaw, and a positive sign for the Baysiders.

Randy: "I tried to keep the damage down to a minimum and give the bullpen more rest than they're accustomed to," he paused and resettled the ice on his left shoulder, waiting expectantly for another question from the assembly of stunned reporters. "I have been around this game for a while now, and as long as I get my millions, I will continue to throw batting practice and yell at fans from the mound, and dugout. I enjoy smoking in between and sometimes during innings, and writing made-up swear words on kid's ballgloves. I'm proud of my accomplishments and my ability to throw upper 80's heat. This game is not easy. Guys want to get hits, they will. I can only get out of the game as quick as I can and eat delicious food in the clubhouse."

Check Out Mookie Mantle's Extra Innings!

Check Out Mookie Mantle's Extra Innings!

Struggling David Ortiz Moved To 3rd Base Coach

David “Big Papi” Ortiz is off to the worst start of his professional career. Through June 28th the red-socked slugger is batting .194 with 1 homerun. As he is the Red Sox’ designated hitter, a position devoted entirely to offense, his devastating power-outage has left Sox fans angry and scared.

Consistently batting 3rd in the lineup and leaving countless runners on base, the rest of the lineup is forced to pick up the slack. Manager Terry Francona has no explanation for the rapid decline of his “franchise player”:
“He’s not leaving us with a lot of options… I tried batting him 6th a couple times, but except for a couple more foul ticks, he’s provided about as much for this lineup as (the deceased) Ted Williams. Its not that he isn’t trying, but for now I think a change is definitely in order. He can still help the team… just not with hitting… or fielding… obviously.”

Ortiz will now be manning 3rd base… In that he will be giving signs to hitters and sending runners home. As 3rd base coach he will be contributing in a new and interesting way. At least that’s how “Papi” feels about it:
“I think it good for me. Is important and interesting position! I get to send runners from first on doubles… and… the other day Mr. Francona let me hand the ump the lineup card. I just happy to help my team.”

Ortiz’s teammates don’t seem to share his enthusiasm for his new “position”:
“I’ll be honest with you right now,” remarks right fielder J.D. Drew, “I don’t like it. He is just plain awful. He told me to bunt the other day in the 9th with bases loaded. And I did…”

Daisuke Matsuzaka: “[He continues to dishonor his ancestors]”

Captain Jason Varitek: “You can tell he means well, but yeah he is just terrible. He even brings his Manny hand-puppet out there sometimes. You learn more about people like David in these situations. Don’t ever let anyone tell you he cant field either, the other day when Kara the ball-girl sprained her ankle, he even broke out the old leather for a couple games.”

Joba Chamberlain Quits Baseball, Becomes Gay Coffee Barista

Barista: (n) a person who works at the counter of a coffee shop; a coffee bar server

Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain has officially quit Major League Baseball, to pursue his dream of working behind the counter at a posh New York Café: "Captain Chino's". Now, dispensing Sweet Mango puree blended with ice, topped with whipped cream & a raspberry syrup swirl, instead of fastballs and curves.

The popular argument of how best to utilize his enormous talent in the sport of baseball (as he could be a dominant starter or reliever) has now become obsolete. Chamberlain worries now, whether he put the proper amount of creme fraiche in the Costa Rican La Lapa from the Central Valley region.

But is Joba as dynamic and effective a coffee vendor, as he was a Major League pitcher? His assistant manager, 3 year veteran Bryce Ashford, certainly thinks so.

"I've seen some real Java-slingers before, but Joba just seemed to have a natural talent for it. He knew what a Half-Caf was before he even walked in the door, and I honestly believe he's got the fastest hands in the business. I've seen him top 3 cups at once... a really talented individual.

He does have a habit of showing-off though, and I've been meaning to talk to him about it. He pumped his fist the other day after he gave a guy exact change without looking, but I don't think it was aimed at the customer. The only problem I have is figuring out how best to use his services, should he work the day shift, or be a dominant closer?"

Former manager and recovering alcoholic Joe Girardi, had nothing but sparkling things to say about his former player.

"Well, you know, Joba happens to be blessed with a lot of talents, an upper 90's fastball, and the ability to make a dynamite French Roast. And to be honest, the way the Yankee's season is going, I might be managing him again real soon."

Joba has become something of a "New York Café Scene" sensation, and customers are lining up around the block for a taste of his delicate confections.

Girardi's Bad

"It's been so hard for me to see baseball have so many blackeyes," Girardi said. "It's disappointing to me. And a lot of times, it's hard to figure out what you're supposed to think during this last 12, 14 years, and what's supposedly real and not supposedly real. To me, it's very unfortunate that we're going through this at this time in baseball. And it's something that we might go through for a long time."

True Bromance

Now more than ever, David Ortiz misses his best pal Manny Ramirez. While Big Papi is struggling to come to terms with Manny's exit (last July), Ramirez has embedded himself in a new and exciting market, successfully slugging in Dodger blue.

Ortiz is a man without an ally. When he puts cups on his ears and peers about the dugout, he is greeted only by the disaproving shake of Youkilis' beard, and Jonathan Papelbon staring at him from the bullpen.

He has crafted a likeness of Manny to laugh at his jokes and pick him up when he is sad or struggling, which is becoming increasingly more important as Papi seems to be in the twilight of his career (at age 31). Teammates and even concerned fans believe their DH has become a little too attached to "Hanny", and refuses to take off the meticulously handmade knit cap, even while batting.

"Chu know, Manny provides protection for me in the lineup, I see alot more fastballs and middle fingers thank to his presence. That's just Manny bein' Manny, chu know? He told me a funny joke the other day, the whole dugout was laughing (no). Is good to have friends, chu know? Tim Wakefield still talks to me sometimes, like dis one time when he wanted sunflower seeds, and I handed them to him... Ay dios mio.... I am so alone...."

Teixeira Gets A Hit

"I was in the dugout when it happened," Joe Girardi said after the Yankee victory, Saturday. "I said to Davey (Eiland): 'Hey, wheres Texas T?', 'He's standing on first base,' he replied.
"But we're not in the field?!?"
"I know!"

After going 0- for his last 128 at-bats the unthinkable happened. Yankee First Baseman Mark Teixeira actually made contact with a pitch, sending it over the head of Oakland 2B Mark Ellis. The boos raining down on the struggling slugger instantly turned to cries of disbelief and wonderment. Texieira was all smiles after the game, even stopping to field questions, and lend some insight into just what he was thinking as it happened.

"Well, I wasn't actually sure where to go after I hit it. I started to take my gloves off and walk back to the dugout with my head down, but the umpire was nice enough to point to first base and a fan yelled: 'Hey numbnuts, start runnnin like somebodys was hangin' your cousin in front of youse!' New York has been so nice to me and I'm glad I was able to give back, for one night at least."

The 8th inning single with the Yankees up 15-0 may not have had an effect on the night's decision, but could mean good things on the horizon for the Yanks. Teixeira is certainly optimistic.

"I could really run with this, maybe go 3 for 50, or 4 for 75! The possibilities are endless...."

Yet Another Astonishing A-Rod Admission

Billy Crystal Only Fan At New Yankee Stadium

Former Yankee, and aging-"comedian" Billy Crystal has been to every game at New Yankee Stadium this season. Due to increasing ticket prices, fans have not been filing into the New Stadium as often as they had across the street. The prices have become so ridiculous in fact, that celebrities and once-famous Jewish entertainers have been the only spectators for the struggling Yankees as of yet.

Ambidextrous Hurler Unveils New Delivery

The New York Yankees' highly-touted prospect Pat Venditte has dazzled fans and scouts alike with his righty/lefty pitching for the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees. A legitimate competitor, his relief-work for the Yank's minor league affiliate up till this point has been nothing short of brilliant. His 0.83 ERA and 23 saves, for AAA in '08, make him more than just a gimmick.

And this season, Venditte has unleashed another reason for International League hitters to shake in their cleats. Using his third arm to throw nothing but Eephus pitches, Venditte continues to stifle opponents with his original motions, and frankly, unnecessary use of the human body. AAA Manager Dave Miley had this to say after Pat unveiled his new "arm angle":

"I am still trying to figure out how this happened. He didn't tell anyone about it before the game, and I still haven't talked to him about it yet, either. I am still not entirely sure it actually occured..."

The Wang Strikes Back

Struggling Yankee's starter Chien-Ming Wang (0-3) begins rehabilitation with former pitching coach Ron Guidry, at his home in the Louisiana Bayou.

A-Rod Gives Up

Alex Rodriguez is widely considered to be the best all-around player in Major League Baseball. Breaking into the league at age 18, he is the youngest player ever to hit 500 homeruns. The $275 million third baseman of the New York Yankees was recently diagnosed with a torn labrum. He was promptly placed on the disabled list and was unable to participate in Yankees Opening Day festivities, and for the foreseeable future.

Lately, Rodriguez just isn't feeling it. He has been away from the baseball field for too long, the only place he has ever found joy. He has become a broken man. Sadly floating through life in quiet desperation. He has essentially given up on professional baseball. Content to subsist on 99c McChicken Sandwichs and Go-Gurt, the recently divorced slugger now has hours upon hours to fill. To deal with the interminable boredom, he has recently taken up Nintendo's "Mario Super Sluggers" and Pokemon Cards. A visually distraught Rodriguez was recently reached for comment about his current living situation, outside of a local White Castle.

"... I mean, I don't believe that anyone is missing me. Doug Bernier (Yankees AAA second baseman) flipped me off in Spring Training... Who the hell is that?"

He doesn't seem to have his usual whimsy, and his barely passable knowledge of the English language is almost lost in the malaise of his lazily chosen words.

"The enormousness of my situation does not escape me. Is my legacy of the Yankees at stake? Of course. But I am vastly grateful for the support of my fans, and I can only hope that they will be following me in my new undertakings. I have started a Fantasy Baseball team at my local library, and I got Jose Reyes in the 1st round. Everythings comin' up A-Rod!"