Yet Another Astonishing A-Rod Admission

Billy Crystal Only Fan At New Yankee Stadium

Former Yankee, and aging-"comedian" Billy Crystal has been to every game at New Yankee Stadium this season. Due to increasing ticket prices, fans have not been filing into the New Stadium as often as they had across the street. The prices have become so ridiculous in fact, that celebrities and once-famous Jewish entertainers have been the only spectators for the struggling Yankees as of yet.

Ambidextrous Hurler Unveils New Delivery

The New York Yankees' highly-touted prospect Pat Venditte has dazzled fans and scouts alike with his righty/lefty pitching for the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees. A legitimate competitor, his relief-work for the Yank's minor league affiliate up till this point has been nothing short of brilliant. His 0.83 ERA and 23 saves, for AAA in '08, make him more than just a gimmick.

And this season, Venditte has unleashed another reason for International League hitters to shake in their cleats. Using his third arm to throw nothing but Eephus pitches, Venditte continues to stifle opponents with his original motions, and frankly, unnecessary use of the human body. AAA Manager Dave Miley had this to say after Pat unveiled his new "arm angle":

"I am still trying to figure out how this happened. He didn't tell anyone about it before the game, and I still haven't talked to him about it yet, either. I am still not entirely sure it actually occured..."

The Wang Strikes Back

Struggling Yankee's starter Chien-Ming Wang (0-3) begins rehabilitation with former pitching coach Ron Guidry, at his home in the Louisiana Bayou.

A-Rod Gives Up

Alex Rodriguez is widely considered to be the best all-around player in Major League Baseball. Breaking into the league at age 18, he is the youngest player ever to hit 500 homeruns. The $275 million third baseman of the New York Yankees was recently diagnosed with a torn labrum. He was promptly placed on the disabled list and was unable to participate in Yankees Opening Day festivities, and for the foreseeable future.

Lately, Rodriguez just isn't feeling it. He has been away from the baseball field for too long, the only place he has ever found joy. He has become a broken man. Sadly floating through life in quiet desperation. He has essentially given up on professional baseball. Content to subsist on 99c McChicken Sandwichs and Go-Gurt, the recently divorced slugger now has hours upon hours to fill. To deal with the interminable boredom, he has recently taken up Nintendo's "Mario Super Sluggers" and Pokemon Cards. A visually distraught Rodriguez was recently reached for comment about his current living situation, outside of a local White Castle.

"... I mean, I don't believe that anyone is missing me. Doug Bernier (Yankees AAA second baseman) flipped me off in Spring Training... Who the hell is that?"

He doesn't seem to have his usual whimsy, and his barely passable knowledge of the English language is almost lost in the malaise of his lazily chosen words.

"The enormousness of my situation does not escape me. Is my legacy of the Yankees at stake? Of course. But I am vastly grateful for the support of my fans, and I can only hope that they will be following me in my new undertakings. I have started a Fantasy Baseball team at my local library, and I got Jose Reyes in the 1st round. Everythings comin' up A-Rod!"

An Honest Look At Jeter and A-Rod

Is it fair to compare Derek Jeter to Alex Rodriguez? Considering they both started their careers playing the same position at the same time, it wasn't very difficult for sportswriters and fans alike to create unnecessary parallels between the two. A-Rod's record-breaking power and Jeter's early championships continued to fuel the conversation for years. They're both enormously talented, with unique strengths. Nomar Garciaparra was another talented shortstop who burned out and became an injury-riddled joke that was passed back and forth between non-competitors and the Cubs. The longevity and continued health of Jeter and Rodriguez set them in a class of their own.

On February 15, 2004, the Yankees aquired Alex in a trade with the Texas Rangers. The highest paid player in Major League Baseball would move to 3rd Base. The two longtime friends would become teammates, and championship-banners would again hang from Yankee Stadium. That.... did not happen.

What has happened since could not have been predicted by anyone: The Red Sox have won two World Series Titles, Joe Torre has left the Yankees in disgrace, and the Yanks signed Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, each one worse than the last. The only smart prediction would have been the offensive production of Rodriguez. He has won two American League Most Valuable Player awards in pinstripes. And there is not a more hated player in all of baseball (Even before his steroid admission).

New York fans and media have not embraced him in the least. Everything Alex does is intensely scrutinized and second-guessed (and Jeter is still the undisputed King of New York). He emulates Jeter, usually in interesting and frightening ways.
It makes sense, Jeter has been successful in the postseason, and is beloved by fans, something A-Rod couldn't possibly know. The two future Hall-Of-Famers will surely finish their careers in pinstripes. Jeters legend status, and Rodriguez's enormous paycheck make that certain. Who knows what the future holds for the revamped '09 Yankees? Are World Series Championships on the horizon?

Voice of the Yankees John Sterling Unveils New 45-Minute Homerun Call

Suzyn Waldman: “You know John, I was talking with Mark the other day, and he said ‘I want to hit a home run’ And he did, John!”

John Sterling: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAA homerun for Big TEX. He really corralled that one Suze. Teixeira! With a bomb to dead-centerfield! The TEX-man is in town, and he’s collecting! Everything’s bigger in Texas! That was a TEXbook homerun. TEX marks the spot! Extra TEXtra, read all about the mammoth home run of the Yankees Extraordinary first baseman. He really fulfilled the conTEXtual obligations of his contract, Suze! Viva TEX Vegas! The Texas homerun massacre! TEXual healing in Baltimore……. (44 minutes later) ….. Ahuh... ahuh... He woke up this morning and ate his TEX-Mix. ahuh..... Uph, sorry everyone, that was a foul ball off the bat of Jose Molina.”

Swisher A Much-Needed Breath Of Fresh Air

"Well you know, the Yankees really needed a laid-back, easy-going, ex-Athletic, aging, neaderthal-looking simpleton, who throws lefty and is a fielding liability. You know I didn't think I would enjoy the move from center to a corner outfield position, but..." he paused to high-five Melky and start an elaborate ethnic hug with Robinson Cano. "I'm having so much fun I was thinking about starting my own WBC team..."

Damon's Tundra of Dreams

In 2006, Yankees Left Fielder Johnny Damon, found himself an unwilling participant in the inaugural World Baseball Classic.

"You know, when they (USA) approached me about playing the first time I was just like 'Okay, I like playing baseball,' but the team didn't do so good and I didnt feel like they appreciated me defensively..."

An obviously distracted Damon was depressed with their Round 2 exit, for multiple reasons. He had been given a hard time for not 'keeping his head in the game' by Manager Buck Martinez

"You could tell Johnny had his mind on other things. I think the breaking point was when he had a shouting match with an airplane overhead. He yelled something to the effect of 'Giant Metal Bird'... I hope thats what he said...."

In actuality, Damon was bothered more by his lack of Patriotism. He felt no kinship towards his fellow dugout members. Their pointing and laughing did not help.

"I looked down at the colors.... Red... White... ummmmm Blue. Yeah Blue. And I just didnt feel right."

A native of a remote part of the Arctic Wilderness, Damon decided then and there, in that USA locker room, while his teammates beat him with soap-filled-socks, 2009 would be different. Representing his territory with pride, Damon would wear the official colors of his home country, and the International landscape of Nova Scotian Baseball would never be the same again. After receiving recognition from the U.N. , Damon and his 4 drinking buddies began the complicated legislation for entry into the 2009 WBC.

"You know, me and my buddies couldn't make tails or tails of those complicated lines and numbers and such.... I handed them to (Yankees GM Brian) Cash(man), and he told me he'd do them. I even saw him put them in a special basket under his desk."

MLB player reactions to Damon's activities have been mixed to say the least.

"I wish Johnny all the luck in the world, you know?" says fellow Yankee Jorge Posada while casually slipping bars of soap into a pillowcase. Yankee reactions were not limited to the backstop however, Second Baseman Robinson Cano also weighed in:

"Chu know... He playin the... He play the WBC... He hit the ball, chu know.... He make his own team... WBC...." Former Team Captain Derek Jeter added: "Are you shitting me?"

When asked about any possible injuries to his starting LF, recovering Yankees Manager Joe Girardi said: "Well, you know 'the Iceman' knows what he's doing.... It's 162 game season, you have to put one foot in front of the other.... That's baseball.... It's still 60'6".... Iceman..."

The road to being a contender is a long one. Made even more impossible by the team's inability to actually participate in the WBC. Without the properly filed paperwork, the Nova Scotian's quest for legitimacy was doomed from the start. Officials have not had the heart to break the soul-crushing news to him.

Damon's "team" has their first exhibition game scheduled Thursday at 6:23am agaisnt the New Mexico Tryers at the Poughkeepsie Learning Annex Auxilary Field B Parking lot.
"The tune-up will give fans a look at what the Nova Scotia Team's all about! I'll be playing Pitcher, Center Field and Right Field and my friends Asungaq, Cupun, Kanosak and Asunguq will play everywhere else. We're not 'flashy', " Damon remarks with air-quotes, "But we get the job done. We do share a glove though....."
Nova Scotia's team caravan, and fan will arrive in the U.S. shortly, bringing all the pomp and circumstance of a championship snow dog team (above) and Damon's Wife (or Mother?) (below)The Inuit people have over 100 words for Snow, but only one for embarassment....

Girardi Goes Bat-Shit Insane

Finally, coaching the most intensely scrutinized team (with the highest payroll) in professional sports has caught up with New York Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. The pressure to succeed has increased dramatically recently due to Alex Rodriguez's steroid admission, in addition to the $423.5 million spent on free agents this offseason. The Yankees Front Office saw fit to relinquish almost half a billion dollars in response to the team's inability to make the playoffs in the '08 season, (shattering a streak of 13 straight appearances) ironically, in Girardi's first season at the helm.

The anger slowly building up inside the 5'8" skipper finally culminated in a violent fit of psychotic rage, Tuesday. While throwing batting practice to recently acquired catcher Guillermo Dungy, an obviously distressed Girardi let loose a stream of expletives and racial epithets, seemingly for no apparent reason. After pushing over the L-shaped BP net, Girardi proceeded to the dugout, wherein he retrieved catching equipment (worn backwards in haste) two bats and a handful of Bubblicious. Aiming his unrelenting aggression towards assorted crowds of fleeing fans and panicked players, the manager became a Whirling Dervish of bone-shattering wood and kneepads. After 12 minutes of uncontested bloodfury, Girardi shed the constricting armor of his former position, and targeted specific objects of dislike. After hunting Yankee's General Manager Brian Cashman for several minutes in the crowded Monument Park of George M. Steinbrenner field, Girardi decapitated the bumbling executive with his bare hands.

Currently, Joe has holed up in the ladies restroom at the Yankee's Spring Training home, and will answer to reporter's questions only in riddle.

Girardi's fantastic explanation for his volatile behavior was the only understandable response within a stream of nonsense words and baseball terms.

"Well, you know, I'm tired of everyone's crap and after consulting with the mythical spirit of Yogi Berra, I decided to kill indescriminately. I'm not okay, and you're not okay."

As if Yankees camp wasn't already a circus, questions remain unanswered in the aftermath of Girardi's killing spree. What could drive the typically level-headed skipper of the most successful franchise in the history of sports, to such an unprecedented exhibition of human destruction?

"You know, we're moving on, we got Boston next week, and they're never an easy opponent," he remarked while cleaning the blood caked upon his lips.

Alex Rodriguez's "Cousin" Yuri Sucart

As the world looks on in horror, information continues to surface about the unnatural relationship between current Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez, and adoptive "cousin" Yuri Sucart.

Sucart reportedly lived with Rodriguez during his time in Seattle and Arlington, Texas. 46 year old Yuri has been confirmed as the "cousin" who administered primobolan shots in A-Rods buttocks over a 3 year period (2001, 2002, 2003).

Images taken and dismissed at the time, such as the one pictured here:

(depicting Yuri massaging a tired Rodriguez) continue to surface in light of Alex's various admissions.

Another Astonishing A-Rod Admission

Newsday has it's finger on the pulse of yet another shocking story from the New York Yankees 3B.

"It was such a loosey-goosey era. I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions, requesting to be traded to San Francisco..."

Big Mac's Big Problem

Steroids have many harmful effects, but there is one no one likes to talk about. (This is an actual ad)

Mike Mussina on Carl Pavano

"His body just shut down from actually pitching for six weeks. It's like when you get an organ transplant and your body rejects it. His body rejected pitching. It's not used to it."

-The Moose

Yanks Trade Veteran For Prospect

In a stunning move to free up salary tuesday, Yankees traded 9-time All Star Shortstop Derek Jeter to the Oakland Athletics for AA Catcher Guillermo Dungy.

"We feel it was time for a change of scenery," Yank's GM Brian Cashman added, "Guillermo is a talented player that we, as an organization, have had our eye on for sometime."

Joe Girardi had this to say: "Obviously Jeets means alot to the Yankees, hopefully he will enjoy his time on the Athletics, meanwhile we got one of the premiere catchers on the A's AA team The New Mexico Tryers. The G-man is gonna give us some versatility at the position for a long time."

Dungy, a 42-year old backstop has been in Pro Baseball for almost 3 months. The 4'3" right-handed hitter is showing some real progress and scouts project that he could have an impact at the major league level as soon as 2013.

Tryers Manager Jeff Adelston : "He almost had a single the other day but that guy in the outfield with a glove caught it. Dungy has shown some real progress of late, holding the bat at the skinny part." Dungy has a long way to go, but Cashman is optimistic:

"We have freed up about $20 million to use on the Free Agent Market. We have recently entered into talks with Paul Byrd."

Proof

He's not only a secret Sock, he dislikes Geico as well.

"Hey Scott, Stop Calling Me"

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=3814051 <= For optimum fun, load this video, and on the Espn video time-bar put your mouse around the 0:27 mark and click the mouse button so Tex can lay down some mad beats. (For other hijinks try 0:42, and 0:51)

"I'm Okay and You're Okay"

Joe Girardi is a likeable guy. He played hard with the Yanks, unfortunately his short tenure as a skipper has been a little underwhelming. It's very difficult to understand his unpredictable managing style. He makes head-scratching bench moves (having a perfectly healthy Bobby Abreu sit out 10 times in a 162 game season). Between the lines, a lot of his moves do not make sense. In the clubhouse however, his style becomes even more frustrating. After a depressing loss, the media typically looks for the manager to discuss: ( bad pitches, slumps coming to an end, etc.) as a factor in the defeat. Giradi uses an entirely different method to depress Yankee fans. He has five preset responses and ran out of original things to say about halfway through spring training:

1.)Well, you know * had some good swings/making his pitches
2.)Well, you know it was a tough road trip, we're looking forward to coming home, get a little bit of that home cooking *ahuhuhuhuhuh* No, but seriously they're a talented club.
3.)Well, you know I like the way this team is made up.
4.)Well, you know the (insert any awful team) are a strong group with some nice young pitching and talented superstars. These are major-league hitters we're talking about.
5.)Well, he didnt have his best stuff, tonight. I'm going to consult with Davey (Eiland) about his pitch count, or something of that nature.
*Jeets, Robbie, Hawk, X-man, Marty, Melk, Willy, Mo, Georgie, Joba(It's a nickname), Farnsy.

I Just Want To Know Where The Gold At?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZfyrIPw3wY&feature=related

Missing Moose

The Yankees didn't make the playoffs in '08. With 89 victories however, at least they kept it interesting going into September. Mike Mussina had a career year, posting 20 wins for the first time in his career. 5 years from now when he first appears on a Hall of Fame ballot, none of his detractors can mention the 20 win milestone. He never did win a World Series ring, but thats: (Mariano's fault in '01, A-Rod since '04, and Wang in '07)

Brett Favre's Playing the Dolphins

http://packers.fandome.com/video/70705/Brett-Favre-in-Theres-Something-About-Mary/
"What's Brett Favre doing here?"

The Rocket is Innocent

SEASON TEAM W L ERA G GS CG SHO IP H R ER HR HBP BB SO

1984 Boston Red Sox 9 4 4.32 21 20 5 1 0 --- 133.1 146 67 64 13 2 29 126

1985 Boston Red Sox 7 5 3.29 15 15 3 1 0 --- 98.1 83 38 36 5 3 37 74

1986 Boston Red Sox 24 4 2.48 33 33 10 1 0 --- 254.0 179 77 70 21 4 67 238 AL MVP AL Cy Young

1987 Boston Red Sox 20 9 2.97 36 36 18 7 0 --- 281.2 248 100 93 19 9 83 256 AL Cy Young

1988 Boston Red Sox 18 12 2.93 35 35 14 8 0 --- 264.0 217 93 86 17 6 62 291

1989 Boston Red Sox 17 11 3.13 35 35 8 3 0 --- 253.1 215 101 88 20 8 93 230

1990 Boston Red Sox 21 6 1.93 31 31 7 4 0 --- 228.1 193 59 49 7 7 54 209

1991 Boston Red Sox 18 10 2.62 35 35 13 4 0 --- 271.1 219 93 79 15 5 65 241 AL Cy Young

1992 Boston Red Sox 18 11 2.41 32 32 11 5 0 --- 246.2 203 80 66 11 9 62 208

These are Rocket's stats before he started to be disowned by the ungrateful Sox. It's obvious Roger was going to have a Hall of Fame career even before his "alleged" steroid use.

Until McNamee's evidence (Needles he held onto for 12 years) prove otherwise, Roger Clemens is entirely innocent. He has given enough to the Boston Red Sux, The Yankees, (and the Blue Jays..... maybe), I believe fans should give him the benefit of the doubt. His country lawyer, Rusty Harden, seems trustworthy. Roger himself seems pretty well-adjusted, and I can't remember the Rocket ever exhibiting " 'roid rage".

The Yankee Years

"Did Torre screw up? No question."

Former Yankees manager Joe Torre has been getting a lot of flak for telling secrets about the Yanks. Torre is supposed to be a manager who is all class, and always tries to keep everyone's personal problems out of the media. Apparently A-Rod is A-fraud, but we already knew that. (A-Rod and Cal Ripken Jr. are the phoniest professional athletes that have ever lived)