"New" Joba Rules

After an unsuccessful foray into gay coffee distribution, Joba Chamberlain has returned to the Yankees this season and proven 2 things:

1.) One day he might be a dominant starter

2.) He is absolute garbage on more or less than 4 days rest

Lacking a better method of keeping Joba's inning count for this season at a reasonable level, the Yankee brass have come up with a radical new solution. Chamberlain will remain in the starting rotation, but with a slight twist:

He will be allowed 1 pitch per appearance.

Yankee Manager and recovering angerholic Joe Girardi weighed in on the organization's decision: "Well, you know, he gives us a lot of flexibility. The Job-man can work out of A jam, intimidate A tough hitter, and start An intentional walk. I think he's really going to be big for us down the stretch... Oh, he's gonna be starting? That's just stupid..."

Chamberlain himself found nothing wrong with the new plan: "Yeah, doesn't really bother me none. I'm still going out there to try and help the team win. Its still 60'6". Take one game at a time. That's baseball..."

(Joba tips his cap on the way to the dugout Sunday, after giving up a homerun in the first inning)

David Ortiz: "I still investigating why I positive"

Weeks after the announcement of his positive test results in an '03 steroid investigation, David "Big Papi" Ortiz is not letting the fans and media forget about it. Disregarding all suggestions from his agent and mother about "just letting it go", Papi is determined to clear his name. Even going so far as to call an emergency press-conference at Yankee Stadium this past week. Amid the boos of Yankee fans and MLB officials, Ortiz spoke into the mic with conviction:

"I always say that I am honest man and player. And when people say: 'Oh he took the steroids', it make me sad. It make me call up Manny and cry on answering machine. I conducting my own investigation of MLB, and why they lie about me. I buy magnifying glass the other day from $1 store and, God-willing, the full-scale investigation begins tomorrow. I still trying to figure out why they say I am positive... I put only the best of things in my body..."

He paused to compose himself, and took a sip from his Monster Energy BFC

"I know my job here with Red Sox, I hit the homeruns, I sign the baseballs, I clean the seats after games. I do the same things everybody else do. Its a lie when the people say that I take the steroids, sure Manny and I inject things in the buttocks many times when he with the team. But we read the needles. It say things like: "testosterone, primobolan, horse tranquilizer", these not the steroids!"

Papi's legal advisor quickly leaned into his ear, whispered something, shook his head, whispered again, grabbed his briefcase and ran out of the press room as fast as he could.

ESPN Says Something Mildly Positive About The New York Yankees

Television viewers were treated to a sight rarer than a perfect game Monday, if they were watching ESPN at 1:23 am. On a Baseball Tonight update, ancient Red Sox reporter Peter Gammons actually said something that could be construed as a compliment toward the New York Yankees.

Typically, the geniuses at ESPN affectionately refer to the Red Sox as: "The Nation" whenever they frequently dissect Sox highlights. Forty minutes of the hour-long program are usually spent talking about how cool Kevin Youkilis' beard is, why J.D. Drew is the greatest hitter of all-time, and how it would be awesome to be friends with Jonathan Papelbon.

Of late, (originating sometime around 2004) the "Sawks" have recieved nothing but support from those at the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. Even long-time Yankee reporter and respected baseball mind Buster Olney was recently spotted walking into ESPN headquarters wearing a "Mrs. Pedroia" T-shirt.

For these reasons, and many more, the most successful franchise in the history of sports (The Yankees) have been delegated to the depressing territory of box score ticker space: the bottom of the screen, usually reserved for the Kansas City Royals and Pirates' trade news.

So when Gammons "misspoke", shocked insomniacs and startled night security guards fell out of their chairs. The shriveled beat-writer actually made a reasonable inference about how well the Bombers have done this season. Red Sox faithful in and around "The Nation" (Only New England) immediately called for Gammon's resignation and a heartfelt apology.

The original comments that started the uproar:

"Well, those fantastic and handsome Red Sox will be heading to Yankee Stadium later this month to play those idiots over there.

Those Crimson Champions of the Common Man, those Scarlet Sultans of Success, will be going up against a pretty good ball club.... Wait... Hold on a second, I didn't mean that. You guys know I didn't mean that! Something's wrong with the teleprompter... Don't you give me that look, John Kruk!"