Mostly Yankees: September 2009

With an inevitable postseason berth, sub-.500 teams remaining on the schedule, and September callups, everyday Yankee players have a lot of free time on their hands. This has enabled the organization to make some highly-dangerous and downright-controversial changes to their team.

Drastic surgeries that would typically result in long periods of recovery have been encouraged and financed by principal Yankee owner and disembodied-brain George M. Steinbrenner. Many complaints from the fans and media that had regularly fallen on deaf ears have been rectified recently, resulting in increased efficiency and productivity in Yankee veterans.

Catcher Jorge Posada recently underwent an invasive neck-reduction procedure, which has increased nerve responsiveness. Original figures from the newly founded Yankees' Department of Player Performance had Posada's reaction time measured at 2.7 Gehrigs, (12.8 seconds) meaning that even the slightest movement from the veteran backstop required 12.8 seconds of critical thought.

Unqualified Yankee experts inferred that Posada's Ostrich-like neck was to blame. So, without agreement from the 13 year-veteran, Yankee SWAT abducted him under the cover of night and performed the intensive surgery, mere hours after a victory over the Red Sox, with his recovery slated for useless series with Toronto and Seattle. He has yet to regain conciousness, and the outlook isnt good.

But Jorge isn't the only one recieving horrifying manipulations. Throughout the organization, drastic measures and God-sickening modifications are abound. 1B Mark Texiera is currently undergoing Brain-surgery. Alex Rodriguez is scheduled for a Heart transplant. And Yankee GM Brian Cashman is expected to recieve Courage later this week.

Heavily-medicated Yankee manager Joe Girardi doesnt see anything wrong with the organization flexing their muscle and checkbook:

"Well, you know. I think that going into the playoffs, its time for us to 'put all our ducks in a row' as it were, and kind of prepare the necessary preparations. I mean, we're looking to improve the team anyway we can, whether it involves our highly illegal gene-splicing with Brett Gardner and a Cheetah, or teaching Nick Swisher how to read. And I know CC is the envy of the team now, and he says he hasnt felt any ill-effects from Gastric-Bypass Surgery."

Girardi: "We've taken to calling him 'Counting Calories Sabathia', ahuhuhuhuh."

In sharp contrast to the Yankees' spending power, the Tampa Bay Rays players recently pooled together to buy Manager Joe Maddon a box of 'Just For Men'.