Pirates Trade Mascot

July 30th, 2009 - Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - With less than 12 hours until the trade deadline Pittsburgh Pirates GM Neal Huntington finalized a deal that will send fan favorite mascot 'Pirate Parrot' to the Dodgers for a ball boy to be named later.

Pittsburgh fans were shocked by this announcement. Within this past year the Pirates have already traded away Xavier Nady, Jason Bay, Nate McClouth, Nyjer Morgan, Adam LaRoche, Freddie Sanchez, Jack Wilson, Ian Snell, Tom Gorzelanny and are currently shopping Andy LaRoche on Craigslist.

Pittsburgh journalists had speculated the Pirates would be shopping Pirate Parrot, with Captain Jolly Roger recently being called up from the Pirate's triple A affiliate.

GM Neal Huntington had this to say to his harshest critics. "Everyone in this organization loved Pirate Parrot and would never overlook his contributions to this proud franchise. But Baseball is a living organism and you have to plan for the future. Listen, Pirate (Parrot) is on the other side of 30 and you can tell he has lost a step or two. When we would score a run, he used to be the first one off the top of the dugout doing a celebratory jig or dramatically rubbing his eyes in disbelief... he always got me with that one.

Plus these wandering Steeler fans overlook what we stand to gain. There were plenty of organizations out there that showed heavy interest, but the Dodgers just seemed to be the best fit.

Smitty Randolph, volunteer batboy and 3rd cousin of current Brewers bench coach and disgraced Mets manager, Willie Randolph, has a keen eye and a delightful scamper.

We're also looking at Chip Chimendez, Dodger's left field ball boy who is prompt and cleanly. Now that the trade is on the books, there isn't a definite time table on this so we're keeping our options open.

The Dodger's skipper Joe Torre did not seem as enthusiastic about the trade. "How the hell does a parrot that is also a pirate have anything to do with the Dodgers organization... the city of Los Angeles or the game of baseball in general. I've heard talk that they're gonna put a cheap Manny wig on it, God help us.

Still, is getting anything for Willie's touched in the head nephew a good deal? No Question."

Love it or hate it the trade will become official Friday morning, pending a physical.

Excited at the prospect of having a new ball boy at PNC park shagging fouls, rumors have already surfaced that Huntington has been in talks with the Detroit Tigers about a deal that would move C Ryan Doumit for a used stool.

J.P. Ricciardi Intentionally Injures Roy Halladay

"There. Now No One Can Have Him..."

Rickey Henderson Elected to Hall of Fame

"It is an honor for me, Rickey Henderson, to be here today with people that I consider to be just slightly less as great as me. Rickey is like the Muhammad Ali of Baseball, but with more fistfighting. I almost played the game the way it was meant to be played. I jumped around to many teams in my career, but only because they couldn't handle my awesomeness. The Athletics have a dumb name, the Yankees are lame, the Mets are worse, and the Blue Jays are Canadian. And so I have asked the Baseball Writers of America to enter me into the Hall on a team of Rickey's own creation: 'The Henderson Coolguys"

Henderson punctuated this by revealing a crudely made jersey that he had obviously made in the car on the way to Cooperstown.

"I have been called: 'The Man of Steal', 'Slick Rick', and 'That Guy Who Steals Bases... You Know That Guy That Was On The A's And Then The Yankees... No I'm Not Talking About Jason Giambi... That Guy Was Slow As Hell... Yeah Rickey Something'. Rickey is pleased by these names. However, I like to sometimes believe that I am more than a baseball player. Yes, Rickey stole many bases in his career, and he also scored many runs. But I played the game with the enthusiasm of a child and the identity complex of an escaped mental patient. I only hit homeruns because I chose to, and Rickey only made outs when he didn't feel like getting a hit. Rickey is an accomplished poet, architect, historian, used-car-dealer, magician, and artist. To help illustrate how blessed and incredible I feel right now, I would like to share with you an artistic representation of my career that I scribbled on a napkin earlier, during Jim Rice's speech":

Burnett Enjoying Life On The Outside

The Yankees didn't exactly get a bargain when they signed free agent hurler A.J. Burnett this offseason. But the $82.5 million-dollar-man has done an exemplary job as arguably the Yankees most consistent starter this season. It was not always this way however. Luckily, Burnett's checkered past has yet to catch up to his tenure with the Yankees, but how long until the demons he has hidden away with tattoos and liquor emerge?

Burnett signed with the Mets at age 18, bringing with him a blistering triple-digit fastball and a penchant for fast cars and faster women. While toiling in the minors, an aging Dwight Gooden introduced him to the positive effects of experimental drugs. He began to pitch moderately well, far beyond the constraints of a natural human being. It would typically take him 200 or so pitches for an average outing of 2 2/3's of an inning.

On a road trip with the Binghampton Mets in 1996, the team bus broke down on the way to face the South Central LA Grillz, AJ got seperated from the team, and was later found drinking heavily and recording with Tupac Shakur.

In addition to going triple platinum with "AJ on the AK", his playing career began to blosssom, and he soon found himself with a big league club, pitching for the Marlins in Miami. The temptations of the Sunshine state began to affect his performance however, and after multiple arrests for various charges, he faked elbow surgery to begin serving time in the Miami-Dade County correctional facility. It was here that he became one of the most reliable shank-makers on the Eastern seaboard. He eventually converted to Islam, which created a brief period of peace in his life... which was immediately shattered when Burnett allegedly strangled his cellmate for allegedly: "Hatin' ".

Facing deathrow and an angry hispanic prison population, AJ escaped under the cover of night, using only a baseball cleat, and the will to live. He began a hurried journey to cross America's northern border to sign with the Blue Jays. It was here that Burnett began the normal life that, surprisingly, has been maintained thanks in part to his relationship with Toronto ace Roy Halladay. Under his tutelage, AJ expanded his baseball and shank-making skills.

His time in New York has just begun, and his legacy with the Yankees has yet to be established. His volatile nature however, is already firmly intact. He has also brought along an inflammatory tradition that gained infamy during his time in a Jays uniform. Every walkoff win has been punctuated with a shaving cream pie to the face, resulting in numerous broken noses and hurt feelings.

Joe Mauer: "Please Look At Me"

"Look, I love playing here in Minnesota. It's my hometown, and I've made a ton of friends wearing this uniform. But man sometimes it can be a little discouraging, you know, playing in a small market. I stole home the other day... Me! A catcher!... And it didn't even make ESPN 2."

We sat down with Joe Mauer (who was not Jose Molina, as the Concierge at the Minneapolis Hilton had originally led us to believe) and after pocketing a handful of complimentary breathmints and shrugging, "Still workin' out the contract extension," he sat and discussed some of the things that really grind his gears.

As of July 10th, the Twins All-Star catcher is leading the league with a .389 batting average and has already set a new career high in homeruns with 15, before the All-Star break. He is already a 2-time batting champion, and a Gold Glove winner. The Metrodome routinely draws few fans, but Joe makes sure to sign all 3 of their baseballs.

"I don't want to rock the boat. It just seems like sometimes, you know, guys in New York and LA get a little more exposure. MLB Network played about 4 minutes of Melky Cabrera pickin' his nose in the outfield the other day, and that was the day I hit 2 grand slams!" There was a slight pause, but thankfully the awkward silence was interrupted with a knock at the door, and fellow All-Star and teammate Justin Morneau peeked his head in.

"I had heard there was reporters or something?"

Derek Jeter Answers Post-Game Question

WFAN reporter Sweeny Murti never expects much when he routinely visits Yankees Captain Derek Jeter's locker after almost every Yankees game. Whether the team wins or loses, Jeter is always there to return every reporter's question back at them in a cool way. His responses are usually punctuated with a full smile, something mildly inspiring but familiar, and the term "That's Baseball." The assembled media can't seem to get upset about it. Most of them are just happy the future Hall of Fame Shortstop even responds to them.

But for the first time in recent memory, a lazy question half delivered in jest by The Fan's Yankees beat reporter was actually greeted with a legitimate response. Murti immediately pressed the button on his dusty tape recorder, and looked on in wonderment. When asked if the Yankees recent sweep at the hands of the Red Sox had any playoff implications, Jeter did not laugh and say "It's June, I dont worry about that," and he didn't high five a half-naked Nick Swisher walking by in the locker room and say "No, I dont think so. Dont worry about it. I'm not worried about it."

What Jeter actually uttered could be considered a rational thought with meaning and purpose:

"The Red Sox are a great team and we have not played anywhere near the level that they have for the last 3 years. Cashman continues to make awful trades and back prospects that obviously suck. Ownership has no idea whats going on, and at any given time I am prepared to hear that George Steinbrenner has been dead for some time, but until his two scheming sons get his Will right, they won't reveal it. Alex is a roided up tool. Damon forgot how to catch a baseball, and I haven't understood one word Robinson Cano has ever said to me."

When it was over, the reporters looked at one another in stunned silence. Jeter blinked a couple times, then turned to his locker.