Struggling David Ortiz Moved To 3rd Base Coach

David “Big Papi” Ortiz is off to the worst start of his professional career. Through June 28th the red-socked slugger is batting .194 with 1 homerun. As he is the Red Sox’ designated hitter, a position devoted entirely to offense, his devastating power-outage has left Sox fans angry and scared.

Consistently batting 3rd in the lineup and leaving countless runners on base, the rest of the lineup is forced to pick up the slack. Manager Terry Francona has no explanation for the rapid decline of his “franchise player”:
“He’s not leaving us with a lot of options… I tried batting him 6th a couple times, but except for a couple more foul ticks, he’s provided about as much for this lineup as (the deceased) Ted Williams. Its not that he isn’t trying, but for now I think a change is definitely in order. He can still help the team… just not with hitting… or fielding… obviously.”

Ortiz will now be manning 3rd base… In that he will be giving signs to hitters and sending runners home. As 3rd base coach he will be contributing in a new and interesting way. At least that’s how “Papi” feels about it:
“I think it good for me. Is important and interesting position! I get to send runners from first on doubles… and… the other day Mr. Francona let me hand the ump the lineup card. I just happy to help my team.”

Ortiz’s teammates don’t seem to share his enthusiasm for his new “position”:
“I’ll be honest with you right now,” remarks right fielder J.D. Drew, “I don’t like it. He is just plain awful. He told me to bunt the other day in the 9th with bases loaded. And I did…”

Daisuke Matsuzaka: “[He continues to dishonor his ancestors]”

Captain Jason Varitek: “You can tell he means well, but yeah he is just terrible. He even brings his Manny hand-puppet out there sometimes. You learn more about people like David in these situations. Don’t ever let anyone tell you he cant field either, the other day when Kara the ball-girl sprained her ankle, he even broke out the old leather for a couple games.”