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Struggling David Ortiz Moved To 3rd Base Coach

David “Big Papi” Ortiz is off to the worst start of his professional career. Through June 28th the red-socked slugger is batting .194 with 1 homerun. As he is the Red Sox’ designated hitter, a position devoted entirely to offense, his devastating power-outage has left Sox fans angry and scared.

Consistently batting 3rd in the lineup and leaving countless runners on base, the rest of the lineup is forced to pick up the slack. Manager Terry Francona has no explanation for the rapid decline of his “franchise player”:
“He’s not leaving us with a lot of options… I tried batting him 6th a couple times, but except for a couple more foul ticks, he’s provided about as much for this lineup as (the deceased) Ted Williams. Its not that he isn’t trying, but for now I think a change is definitely in order. He can still help the team… just not with hitting… or fielding… obviously.”

Ortiz will now be manning 3rd base… In that he will be giving signs to hitters and sending runners home. As 3rd base coach he will be contributing in a new and interesting way. At least that’s how “Papi” feels about it:
“I think it good for me. Is important and interesting position! I get to send runners from first on doubles… and… the other day Mr. Francona let me hand the ump the lineup card. I just happy to help my team.”

Ortiz’s teammates don’t seem to share his enthusiasm for his new “position”:
“I’ll be honest with you right now,” remarks right fielder J.D. Drew, “I don’t like it. He is just plain awful. He told me to bunt the other day in the 9th with bases loaded. And I did…”

Daisuke Matsuzaka: “[He continues to dishonor his ancestors]”

Captain Jason Varitek: “You can tell he means well, but yeah he is just terrible. He even brings his Manny hand-puppet out there sometimes. You learn more about people like David in these situations. Don’t ever let anyone tell you he cant field either, the other day when Kara the ball-girl sprained her ankle, he even broke out the old leather for a couple games.”

Joba Chamberlain Quits Baseball, Becomes Gay Coffee Barista

Barista: (n) a person who works at the counter of a coffee shop; a coffee bar server

Yankee phenom Joba Chamberlain has officially quit Major League Baseball, to pursue his dream of working behind the counter at a posh New York Café: "Captain Chino's". Now, dispensing Sweet Mango puree blended with ice, topped with whipped cream & a raspberry syrup swirl, instead of fastballs and curves.

The popular argument of how best to utilize his enormous talent in the sport of baseball (as he could be a dominant starter or reliever) has now become obsolete. Chamberlain worries now, whether he put the proper amount of creme fraiche in the Costa Rican La Lapa from the Central Valley region.

But is Joba as dynamic and effective a coffee vendor, as he was a Major League pitcher? His assistant manager, 3 year veteran Bryce Ashford, certainly thinks so.

"I've seen some real Java-slingers before, but Joba just seemed to have a natural talent for it. He knew what a Half-Caf was before he even walked in the door, and I honestly believe he's got the fastest hands in the business. I've seen him top 3 cups at once... a really talented individual.

He does have a habit of showing-off though, and I've been meaning to talk to him about it. He pumped his fist the other day after he gave a guy exact change without looking, but I don't think it was aimed at the customer. The only problem I have is figuring out how best to use his services, should he work the day shift, or be a dominant closer?"

Former manager and recovering alcoholic Joe Girardi, had nothing but sparkling things to say about his former player.

"Well, you know, Joba happens to be blessed with a lot of talents, an upper 90's fastball, and the ability to make a dynamite French Roast. And to be honest, the way the Yankee's season is going, I might be managing him again real soon."

Joba has become something of a "New York Café Scene" sensation, and customers are lining up around the block for a taste of his delicate confections.

Girardi's Bad

"It's been so hard for me to see baseball have so many blackeyes," Girardi said. "It's disappointing to me. And a lot of times, it's hard to figure out what you're supposed to think during this last 12, 14 years, and what's supposedly real and not supposedly real. To me, it's very unfortunate that we're going through this at this time in baseball. And it's something that we might go through for a long time."

True Bromance

Now more than ever, David Ortiz misses his best pal Manny Ramirez. While Big Papi is struggling to come to terms with Manny's exit (last July), Ramirez has embedded himself in a new and exciting market, successfully slugging in Dodger blue.

Ortiz is a man without an ally. When he puts cups on his ears and peers about the dugout, he is greeted only by the disaproving shake of Youkilis' beard, and Jonathan Papelbon staring at him from the bullpen.

He has crafted a likeness of Manny to laugh at his jokes and pick him up when he is sad or struggling, which is becoming increasingly more important as Papi seems to be in the twilight of his career (at age 31). Teammates and even concerned fans believe their DH has become a little too attached to "Hanny", and refuses to take off the meticulously handmade knit cap, even while batting.

"Chu know, Manny provides protection for me in the lineup, I see alot more fastballs and middle fingers thank to his presence. That's just Manny bein' Manny, chu know? He told me a funny joke the other day, the whole dugout was laughing (no). Is good to have friends, chu know? Tim Wakefield still talks to me sometimes, like dis one time when he wanted sunflower seeds, and I handed them to him... Ay dios mio.... I am so alone...."

Teixeira Gets A Hit

"I was in the dugout when it happened," Joe Girardi said after the Yankee victory, Saturday. "I said to Davey (Eiland): 'Hey, wheres Texas T?', 'He's standing on first base,' he replied.
"But we're not in the field?!?"
"I know!"

After going 0- for his last 128 at-bats the unthinkable happened. Yankee First Baseman Mark Teixeira actually made contact with a pitch, sending it over the head of Oakland 2B Mark Ellis. The boos raining down on the struggling slugger instantly turned to cries of disbelief and wonderment. Texieira was all smiles after the game, even stopping to field questions, and lend some insight into just what he was thinking as it happened.

"Well, I wasn't actually sure where to go after I hit it. I started to take my gloves off and walk back to the dugout with my head down, but the umpire was nice enough to point to first base and a fan yelled: 'Hey numbnuts, start runnnin like somebodys was hangin' your cousin in front of youse!' New York has been so nice to me and I'm glad I was able to give back, for one night at least."

The 8th inning single with the Yankees up 15-0 may not have had an effect on the night's decision, but could mean good things on the horizon for the Yanks. Teixeira is certainly optimistic.

"I could really run with this, maybe go 3 for 50, or 4 for 75! The possibilities are endless...."