Thursday, April 30, 2009

Yet Another Astonishing A-Rod Admission

Billy Crystal Only Fan At New Yankee Stadium

Former Yankee, and aging-"comedian" Billy Crystal has been to every game at New Yankee Stadium this season. Due to increasing ticket prices, fans have not been filing into the New Stadium as often as they had across the street. The prices have become so ridiculous in fact, that celebrities and once-famous Jewish entertainers have been the only spectators for the struggling Yankees as of yet.

Ambidextrous Hurler Unveils New Delivery

The New York Yankees' highly-touted prospect Pat Venditte has dazzled fans and scouts alike with his righty/lefty pitching for the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees. A legitimate competitor, his relief-work for the Yank's minor league affiliate up till this point has been nothing short of brilliant. His 0.83 ERA and 23 saves, for AAA in '08, make him more than just a gimmick.

And this season, Venditte has unleashed another reason for International League hitters to shake in their cleats. Using his third arm to throw nothing but Eephus pitches, Venditte continues to stifle opponents with his original motions, and frankly, unnecessary use of the human body. AAA Manager Dave Miley had this to say after Pat unveiled his new "arm angle":

"I am still trying to figure out how this happened. He didn't tell anyone about it before the game, and I still haven't talked to him about it yet, either. I am still not entirely sure it actually occured..."

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Wang Strikes Back


Struggling Yankee's starter Chien-Ming Wang (0-3) begins rehabilitation with former pitching coach Ron Guidry, at his home in the Louisiana Bayou.


Friday, April 17, 2009

A-Rod Gives Up

Alex Rodriguez is widely considered to be the best all-around player in Major League Baseball. Breaking into the league at age 18, he is the youngest player ever to hit 500 homeruns. The $275 million third baseman of the New York Yankees was recently diagnosed with a torn labrum. He was promptly placed on the disabled list and was unable to participate in Yankees Opening Day festivities, and for the foreseeable future.

Lately, Rodriguez just isn't feeling it. He has been away from the baseball field for too long, the only place he has ever found joy. He has become a broken man. Sadly floating through life in quiet desperation. He has essentially given up on professional baseball. Content to subsist on 99c McChicken Sandwichs and Go-Gurt, the recently divorced slugger now has hours upon hours to fill. To deal with the interminable boredom, he has recently taken up Nintendo's "Mario Super Sluggers" and Pokemon Cards. A visually distraught Rodriguez was recently reached for comment about his current living situation, outside of a local White Castle.

"... I mean, I don't believe that anyone is missing me. Doug Bernier (Yankees AAA second baseman) flipped me off in Spring Training... Who the hell is that?"
He doesn't seem to have his usual whimsy, and his barely passable knowledge of the English language is almost lost in the malaise of his lazily chosen words.
"The enormousness of my situation does not escape me. Is my legacy of the Yankees at stake? Of course. But I am vastly grateful for the support of my fans, and I can only hope that they will be following me in my new undertakings. I have started a Fantasy Baseball team at my local library, and I got Jose Reyes in the 1st round. Everythings comin' up A-Rod!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

An Honest Look At Jeter and A-Rod















Is it fair to compare Derek Jeter to Alex Rodriguez? Considering they both started their careers playing the same position at the same time, it wasn't very difficult for sportswriters and fans alike to create unnecessary parallels between the two. A-Rod's record-breaking power and Jeter's early championships continued to fuel the conversation for years. They're both enormously talented, with unique strengths. Nomar Garciaparra was another talented shortstop who burned out and became an injury-riddled joke that was passed back and forth between non-competitors and the Cubs. The longevity and continued health of Jeter and Rodriguez set them in a class of their own.

On February 15, 2004, the Yankees aquired Alex in a trade with the Texas Rangers. The highest paid player in Major League Baseball would move to 3rd Base. The two longtime friends would become teammates, and championship-banners would again hang from Yankee Stadium. That.... did not happen.

What has happened since could not have been predicted by anyone: The Red Sox have won two World Series Titles, Joe Torre has left the Yankees in disgrace, and the Yanks signed Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown, Jaret Wright, Carl Pavano, each one worse than the last. The only smart prediction would have been the offensive production of Rodriguez. He has won two American League Most Valuable Player awards in pinstripes. And there is not a more hated player in all of baseball (Even before his steroid admission).

New York fans and media have not embraced him in the least. Everything Alex does is intensely scrutinized and second-guessed (and Jeter is still the undisputed King of New York). He emulates Jeter, usually in interesting and frightening ways.
It makes sense, Jeter has been successful in the postseason, and is beloved by fans, something A-Rod couldn't possibly know. The two future Hall-Of-Famers will surely finish their careers in pinstripes. Jeters legend status, and Rodriguez's enormous paycheck make that certain. Who knows what the future holds for the revamped '09 Yankees? Are World Series Championships on the horizon?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Voice of the Yankees John Sterling Unveils New 45-Minute Homerun Call

Suzyn Waldman: “You know John, I was talking with Mark the other day, and he said ‘I want to hit a home run’ And he did, John!”

John Sterling: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAA homerun for Big TEX. He really corralled that one Suze. Teixeira! With a bomb to dead-centerfield! The TEX-man is in town, and he’s collecting! Everything’s bigger in Texas! That was a TEXbook homerun. TEX marks the spot! Extra TEXtra, read all about the mammoth home run of the Yankees Extraordinary first baseman. He really fulfilled the conTEXtual obligations of his contract, Suze! Viva TEX Vegas! The Texas homerun massacre! TEXual healing in Baltimore……. (44 minutes later) ….. Ahuh... ahuh... He woke up this morning and ate his TEX-Mix. ahuh..... Uph, sorry everyone, that was a foul ball off the bat of Jose Molina.”

Swisher A Much-Needed Breath Of Fresh Air


"Well you know, the Yankees really needed a laid-back, easy-going, ex-Athletic, aging, neaderthal-looking simpleton, who throws lefty and is a fielding liability. You know I didn't think I would enjoy the move from center to a corner outfield position, but..." he paused to high-five Melky and start an elaborate ethnic hug with Robinson Cano. "I'm having so much fun I was thinking about starting my own WBC team..."