Finally, coaching the most intensely scrutinized team (with the highest payroll) in professional sports has caught up with New York Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. The pressure to succeed has increased dramatically recently due to Alex Rodriguez's steroid admission, in addition to the $423.5 million spent on free agents this offseason. The Yankees Front Office saw fit to relinquish almost half a billion dollars in response to the team's inability to make the playoffs in the '08 season, (shattering a streak of 13 straight appearances) ironically, in Girardi's first season at the helm.The anger slowly building up inside the 5'8" skipper finally culminated in a violent fit of psychotic rage, Tuesday. While throwing batting practice to recently acquired catcher Guillermo Dungy, an obviously distressed Girardi let loose a stream of expletives and racial epithets, seemingly for no apparent reason. After pushing over the L-shaped BP net, Girardi proceeded to the dugout, wherein he retrieved catching equipment (worn backwards in haste) two bats and a handful of Bubblicious. Aiming his unrelenting aggression towards assorted crowds of fleeing fans and panicked players, the manager became a Whirling Dervish of bone-shattering wood and kneepads. After 12 minutes of uncontested bloodfury, Girardi shed the constricting armor of his former position, and targeted specific objects of dislike. After hunting Yankee's General Manager Brian Cashman for several minutes in the crowded Monument Park of George M. Steinbrenner field, Girardi decapitated the bumbling executive with his bare hands.
Currently, Joe has holed up in the ladies restroom at the Yankee's Spring Training home, and will answer to reporter's questions only in riddle.
Girardi's fantastic explanation for his volatile behavior was the only understandable response within a stream of nonsense words and baseball terms.
"Well, you know, I'm tired of everyone's crap and after consulting with the mythical spirit of Yogi Berra, I decided to kill indescriminately. I'm not okay, and you're not okay."
As if Yankees camp wasn't already a circus, questions remain unanswered in the aftermath of Girardi's killing spree. What could drive the typically level-headed skipper of the most successful franchise in the history of sports, to such an unprecedented exhibition of human destruction?
"You know, we're moving on, we got Boston next week, and they're never an easy opponent," he remarked while cleaning the blood caked upon his lips.
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