Girardi Goes Bat-Shit Insane

Finally, coaching the most intensely scrutinized team (with the highest payroll) in professional sports has caught up with New York Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. The pressure to succeed has increased dramatically recently due to Alex Rodriguez's steroid admission, in addition to the $423.5 million spent on free agents this offseason. The Yankees Front Office saw fit to relinquish almost half a billion dollars in response to the team's inability to make the playoffs in the '08 season, (shattering a streak of 13 straight appearances) ironically, in Girardi's first season at the helm.

The anger slowly building up inside the 5'8" skipper finally culminated in a violent fit of psychotic rage, Tuesday. While throwing batting practice to recently acquired catcher Guillermo Dungy, an obviously distressed Girardi let loose a stream of expletives and racial epithets, seemingly for no apparent reason. After pushing over the L-shaped BP net, Girardi proceeded to the dugout, wherein he retrieved catching equipment (worn backwards in haste) two bats and a handful of Bubblicious. Aiming his unrelenting aggression towards assorted crowds of fleeing fans and panicked players, the manager became a Whirling Dervish of bone-shattering wood and kneepads. After 12 minutes of uncontested bloodfury, Girardi shed the constricting armor of his former position, and targeted specific objects of dislike. After hunting Yankee's General Manager Brian Cashman for several minutes in the crowded Monument Park of George M. Steinbrenner field, Girardi decapitated the bumbling executive with his bare hands.

Currently, Joe has holed up in the ladies restroom at the Yankee's Spring Training home, and will answer to reporter's questions only in riddle.

Girardi's fantastic explanation for his volatile behavior was the only understandable response within a stream of nonsense words and baseball terms.

"Well, you know, I'm tired of everyone's crap and after consulting with the mythical spirit of Yogi Berra, I decided to kill indescriminately. I'm not okay, and you're not okay."

As if Yankees camp wasn't already a circus, questions remain unanswered in the aftermath of Girardi's killing spree. What could drive the typically level-headed skipper of the most successful franchise in the history of sports, to such an unprecedented exhibition of human destruction?

"You know, we're moving on, we got Boston next week, and they're never an easy opponent," he remarked while cleaning the blood caked upon his lips.

Alex Rodriguez's "Cousin" Yuri Sucart

As the world looks on in horror, information continues to surface about the unnatural relationship between current Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez, and adoptive "cousin" Yuri Sucart.

Sucart reportedly lived with Rodriguez during his time in Seattle and Arlington, Texas. 46 year old Yuri has been confirmed as the "cousin" who administered primobolan shots in A-Rods buttocks over a 3 year period (2001, 2002, 2003).

Images taken and dismissed at the time, such as the one pictured here:

(depicting Yuri massaging a tired Rodriguez) continue to surface in light of Alex's various admissions.

Another Astonishing A-Rod Admission

Newsday has it's finger on the pulse of yet another shocking story from the New York Yankees 3B.

"It was such a loosey-goosey era. I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions, requesting to be traded to San Francisco..."

Big Mac's Big Problem

Steroids have many harmful effects, but there is one no one likes to talk about. (This is an actual ad)

Mike Mussina on Carl Pavano

"His body just shut down from actually pitching for six weeks. It's like when you get an organ transplant and your body rejects it. His body rejected pitching. It's not used to it."

-The Moose

Yanks Trade Veteran For Prospect

In a stunning move to free up salary tuesday, Yankees traded 9-time All Star Shortstop Derek Jeter to the Oakland Athletics for AA Catcher Guillermo Dungy.

"We feel it was time for a change of scenery," Yank's GM Brian Cashman added, "Guillermo is a talented player that we, as an organization, have had our eye on for sometime."

Joe Girardi had this to say: "Obviously Jeets means alot to the Yankees, hopefully he will enjoy his time on the Athletics, meanwhile we got one of the premiere catchers on the A's AA team The New Mexico Tryers. The G-man is gonna give us some versatility at the position for a long time."

Dungy, a 42-year old backstop has been in Pro Baseball for almost 3 months. The 4'3" right-handed hitter is showing some real progress and scouts project that he could have an impact at the major league level as soon as 2013.

Tryers Manager Jeff Adelston : "He almost had a single the other day but that guy in the outfield with a glove caught it. Dungy has shown some real progress of late, holding the bat at the skinny part." Dungy has a long way to go, but Cashman is optimistic:

"We have freed up about $20 million to use on the Free Agent Market. We have recently entered into talks with Paul Byrd."